March Blog

I always explain these moods as 'waves'. Sometimes I'll be myself, or whom I consider my 'true' self to be: a bubbly, confident girl who is full of energy and positivity.

Sometimes, however, I'm like how I am today.

It's hard to express how I feel, which makes it hard to know how I can 'fix' this feeling. I'm not lost, but I also feel that I do not have a direction or purpose at the moment. I feel that I am floating through life, on a cloud made of marshmellows, a bit of a sticky situation but also a bit too comfortable in being there.

As many of you might know, the University of Warwick is one of the 61 universities to strike due to the staff pensions protest. This isn't going to be a blog about that, however, but a blog about how the students are affected by this. Focusing on me (of course, the owner and subject of all these blogs hahaha...).

After returning from Reading Week, the strikes immediately affected me. I had already had a week 'off', with what I would consider a well-deserved break, but I was well rested during this period and I was in the right mindset to come back to study. However, things didn't turn out the way I expected them to unfold. Whilst the first week of the strikes felt like a 'normal' week, as the days went on, more and more of my teachers wouldn't turn up to the lessons, only sending us a rushed email the day before apologising for the delay and telling us why they were striking. What interested me the most was that in these emails were no notes on what work we could do to fill our time, nor any hints that our classes would be rearranged. I told my Father this, who was outraged by one of the top universities to be running this way.

At first, I didn't mind the time off. It meant that I had more spare time to study and catch up on work, but now that I have done this, I'm feeling quite lost. It's not that I would enjoy a full 8 hour schoolday like I was put through in secondary school (oh, the trauma!), but I would also very much appreciate a structure to my days. It has felt like an extended-weekend, one that drags on for a suspicious amount of time. It has made me, as a person, extremely lazy. I wake up late, potter about the house for a bit, see my flatmates and before I know it, it's half midnight and time to go back to sleep, just to repeat the whole thing over again the next day.

It has become tiresome, and it has made me realise the importance of structure in one's life. It has been said that Monday mornings are only a bother to those who do not enjoy their job, and I can completely agree with that statement. Whilst getting up at 7:30AM is a pain, at least it means that I am out of the house by 8:00AM to get to my class. It means that I am being productive with my life, and that my commitments give my life structure and purpose. Weil once stated that one of the key requirements for having a fulfilled life is the idea that one has a purpose. One is appreciated for what one does, and one is acknowledged for one's contributions. What am I contributing when I am lazing around in my bed all day long? Absolutely nothing.

Let's share my unpopular opinion: I like attending my seminars and lectures. I like going to university, just as much as I enjoyed going to school every day from Monday to Friday. I like having structure to my life, and I like being an educational environment because I feel like I have a purpose when I am answering questions in my classes. I clearly remember my schoolmates complaining about school, yet I would be that person who would confidently state that they loved school, and were grateful for being in school. I obviously got snears, but what we ought to remember is that we should be grateful for having the opportunity to learn. Others, even in the 21st century, do not have the chance to go to school, let alone university. Therefore, I scorn on those who miss their seminars in order to lie in or play videogames. It is only in times when I do not have my classes that I realise that they are of the utmost importance in my life, and how grateful I must be to have the opportunity to attend classes which inspire me, intellectually stimulate me and open my mind the vast ideas and opinions of the world.

Yours,

Pre-Uni Stress

First things first: I got into Warwick University.

Wahey!

Before writing this post I actually scrolled back a bit and found my post from when I visited the establishment with my parents. I had called it my "dream uni" and I am so grateful that they accepted me and I got the entry requirements for my course!

On the 18th, results' day, my Facebook feed was filled with posts from my friends publishing which unis they got into. It was an exciting experience for all - and those who may not have obtained their first choice still managed to find some great places through Clearing. Fast forward a week, and those who are going to uni all have a firm knowledge of where they will be spending the next three or so years of their lives.

Once knowing their universities,  many students joined their appropriate uni Facebook group and started group chats with their peers. I had previously joined several of these chats and made acquaintances with many on my course. However, due to my current lack of Internet  (I have to travel to the next village in order to get Wifi from the local café), I'm unable to be constantly online and replying to messages. Therefore, my friendships have become frail, to say the least.

Just this afternoon, I quickly checked the group chat, and found out all the participants had bonded with each other - a lot. The whole chat seemed to have their own inside jokes and nicknames with each other. I was but an onlooker to their little world. They were already meeting up with one another, and had planned outings as a group in order to create memories before studying at uni together.

This made me feel quite sad, and above all, lonely. It's fairly pathetic and melodramatic that I write this all on my blog, and I pray to the Heavens Above that none of these people were to find my blog. However, their closeness has only made me feel more distant from them. I have been, unintentionally, excluded from their tight knit. I feel alone before even starting uni.

I have to keep reminding myself that there are others out there who will be freshers,  like myself, who may have not even been part of this group chat and they too will have no friends on the first day. Even so, my mind is filled with panic about what's to come. The biggest fear is of course that of solitude. I'll be away from home, from my parents, from my boyfriend. My friends will be off at uni getting a whole new set of friends, and the little voice in my head tells me that they'll no doubt forget all about me. What's more, I'll be away from safety and where I feel comfortable. However, I ought to keep reminding myself that growth comes with going outside one's comfort zone. I will be able to push myself into situations which are different and thus exciting. I will find a new people, and new activities to occupy myself. I really ought to embrace this opportunity. And get a grip.